Forgetting to Remember

Mr. B and I went shopping last week. And something happened. Something sorta big, I guess. We — for a split second — forgot to remember about Penelope Joy. About her existence and about her death.

We were shopping with Dottie Lou at one of my favorite places. And Mr. B picked up this super cute mug that he thought would be perfect for his mom. It said “Grandma. Est. 2015.” I agreed, and we started to take it off the shelf. And then, my eyes started welling up seconds later as I realized what we’d done.

You see, Grandma B was not made a grandma in 2015. She was made a grandma in 2013 — when Penelope Joy was born.

The Day She was Born

It’s actually been happening a lot lately. Well, not us forgetting so much. More like life going forward. As time goes on, we get further and further away from Penelope Joy. We’ve done our first “official” family photo shoot without Penelope Joy. And, I certainly felt the hole. I feel it every time I look at the pictures. And I have a feeling I always will — no matter how big our family grows.

Family Photo

And, as our life gets busier, our days seemingly get shorter. And there is definitely less focusing on the past and more living in the now. Life with Dottie Lou is a whirlwind — there really is no other way to explain it. She’s a lively, joyful, curious child. And she keeps us on our toes every second.

Curious Dottie

Smiley Dottie

She makes my heart leap for joy every morning when I wake up and every time I see her after a long day apart. To be honest, I was not remotely prepared for how much I could love this child. Every day she teaches me about hope and love, wonder and joy. She also teaches me about strength — because momming is so very hard. Being a mother — actually getting to BE a mother — is more than I could have ever imagined.

When I think about that statement, though, it does make me sad. Because I feel like Penelope Joy made me a mother, too. And I don’t ever want to take that for granted. And I don’t ever want to forget — not for a single second — that I am the mom I am today because of Penelope Joy. In so many ways she taught me what “Mom” means — and in ways, I suppose, that Dottie Lou will (hopefully) never make me a mother.

Penelope Joy made me a mom, and she’ll always have a special place in my heart as my first-born. And Dottie Lou? She continues to show me the way. She teaches me about the best parts of myself and, some days, the worst parts of myself. Both of my girls has contributed so much to my story — to what makes me, me.

I’ll probably always get sad when I realize that I’ve forgotten to remember Penelope Joy — even though it’s just for a fleeting second. While she’ll always live in my heart and define so much of who I am and how I live my life, life does move forward. The earth keeps spinning. Because, as Mr. B said, “that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

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1 Comment

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One response to “Forgetting to Remember

  1. Nancy

    You made me cry with your anguish, but live does go on and Penelope Joy would want you to enjoy your life and her sister….she will never be forgotten and she knows that. She will always be with you.

    Like

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