36+6

Today is 36+6.

I’m 36 weeks and six days pregnant. With Penelope Joy, this is the day she decided to make her grand entrance into the world. To say I’m having some “feelings” would be fairly accurate.

The Day She was Born

One of our very first family photos.

You see, when you’ve been through the experience Mr. B and I have been through, you can’t help but make mental notes about how things were — and how things are. And no matter how many times everybody tells me that every pregnancy is different — and no matter how many times Sprout makes that painfully clear — my mind can’t help but think about it.

Because Penelope Joy was early. And then she died.

Were these two things related? In a way, I suppose, but not directly. She died because of an extremely complicated anatomy that included no immune system. She didn’t die because she was premature. (Actually, I like to think that her date of death was always going to be Oct. 17 — and she wanted as much time with us as possible, so she made her appearance early. I like to think she made the choice and gifted us with the additional time.)

Besides, she wasn’t ridiculously premature. But, she was early enough. And I’ve been watching this day on the calendar since finding out I was pregnant with Sprout. This day is symbolic for me. Lots of moms count to 12 weeks. Or 27 weeks. Or 35 weeks. Me? I’ve been looking at 36+6 since day one. (Though, when they pushed back my estimated due date by a week early on, I had to adjust that date in my mind, too.)

So, today is a big day for me. For Sprout. In reality, it means nothing — because Sprout’s still in there movin’ and groovin’ and because she’s not even due for another 3 weeks (and a day).

Am I eager to meet her? Heck yes. Do I want more than anything to hold her — as long as I want, without tubes and cords and the assistance of a nurse (or two or three)? You betcha. Am I looking forward to bringing her home with us (scared and nervous as we’ll be) and actually getting to be her mom — the mom I so desperately want to be? Words cannot describe.

But, I also want her to stay where she’s safe as long as she needs to stay there. Even if it means I get asked over and over again: “Are you sure there’s just one in there?” “Wow! You must be ready to pop any day now, huh?” “How much more can she grow?”

36+6 photo

As I snapped this picture, Sprout kicked me pretty hard. I think she might take after her dad by being a little camera shy. Oh well. She’ll get over it. Mr. B did. Kind of.

There’s a reason pregnancies typically last around 40 weeks — every day of those 40 weeks is important. And I will never be one of those moms wishing my pregnancy were shorter — no matter how badly I want to meet Sprout. Besides, while medical advances are amazing and save so many babies, I’d prefer to keep Sprout right where she is until she’s all filled in with that adorable baby fat and her lungs are truly ready to take her first real breaths and her brain is ready to absorb the amazing world she’s about to meet. So, we wait … anxiously, eagerly, patiently.

And yes, on this momentous — but also pretty average — day, I’m having “feelings” of all sorts. Gratitude. Hope. Joy. Sadness. Exhaustion. Lots of exhaustion. Peace. And love. Always. love.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “36+6

  1. KJ

    I can’t even imagine the amount of feelings you are having. You look amazing – happy and full of life so to speak! I’ve been silently routing you on for a long time – I am so happy for you and hubby B.

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  2. You are such a brave, incredible person to be sharing such a difficult loss! God Bless you for being so positive about such a devastating event! I’m so sorry to hear about losing Penelope Joy. But I’m confused. Were you pregnant with twins, or was Penelope Joy’s birth/death a couple years ago? Either way, congrats and many prayers to you that Sprout is still kicking! 🙂

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    • Hello. First of all, thank you for your kind words. Penelope Joy was born Sept. 9, 2013. She died Oct. 17, 2013. In May of 2014, we found out I was pregnant with Sprout — I am due Feb. 3. Needless to say, this pregnancy has been a roller coaster of many, many emotions. You can read more about our Rainbow Baby here: https://kimberlyjoyb.com/2014/06/08/on-rainbows-and-babies.

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      • Ahaa…thanks for clarifying. I cannot imagine the colossal depth, width and breadth of emotion you’ve experienced during this pregnancy. Guess I should’ve read more of your posts! Congrats to you and the Rainbow Baby on this momentous precipice! Saying many prayers that all will go well on Feb. 3, which is a FABULOUS day to be born, btw, which is the day after my father’s birthday, and he was a wonderful human being, and my niece’s birthday is also Feb. 3rd, and she’s a beautiful, talented human being as I’m sure your daughter will be as well! Look forward to reading more of your posts!

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  3. Nancy

    How generous you are to share all these special feelings with us. Your feelings today must be tied up with so many things. However…you have one very special angel looking out for you and Mr. B and Sprout….. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you count down these glorious, wonderful, nerve-wracking days. God Bless!

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  4. Stephanie

    Kimi I have read a couple of your blogs and they are amazing! I can feel the emotions you have as if I am feeling them, especially the love you have for the things you write about! I wish I was able to write like you can. So happy for you and Bobby, can’t wait to see photos of sprout! Hope your next couple weeks go great:)

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