The title? A text* I sent to Mr. B last night after I realized that none of my dressy clothes fit me.
You see, we’re going out for a nice dinner tomorrow night to kick off our Chicago adventure. And I wanted to wear something a little nicer than my standard jeans. Well … insert large thighs, calves and the
weight inches I’ve gained this year and nothing fits right. My stomach skin hung in all the wrong places — the shirts hugging it just so. And the sweater dress I wanted to wear (I don’t even care if they’re not “in” — I love them) rides inappropriately high on my bum, which has apparently gotten a bit more full muscular with all this running and training (something I don’t really have a problem with).
So I ventured out to the surrounding stores that were still open. And proceeded to have an immature, embarrassing meltdown on my way home empty handed. Honestly, I was having a “bad body day” where nothing was looking right, nothing was fitting right. Nothing was … well … “it.”
I’m certain the meltdown had more to do with my cold and my lack of quality sleep and some stress in life the last couple of days than any true feelings about my body. Because, as my friend Becky said, I am very proud of how far I’ve come — and SO very much better off. And, most of the time, the belly skin is manageable. But when I had one thing in mind and it didn’t work out, my stubbornness met my tiredness and chaos ensued.
After a lovely phone call from a very supportive and understanding Mr. B, I “felt my feelings” and let them go. I picked out an outfit that I’m certain will be fine. I honestly don’t care what I’m wearing because I get to spend some “off-the-grid” time with Mr. B exploring the beautiful city of Chicago and ringing in the new year. Everything else? Just gravy.
Also important to note for all of you out there who think losing weight will fix everything: It won’t. You’re still going to have “bad body days.” And bad days at work. And fights with your family. And things you don’t like about yourself. Losing weight
doesn’t can’t make you happy. Being happy is about being healthy — mind, body and spirit. This journey has taught me that. Some days it’s just harder to remember that than others. Yesterday was that day for me. But through it all? I love myself. I love my life. And I recognize and TRULY appreciate the blessings I’ve been given. And that’s what makes for a happy, healthy experience on this planet.
*Other texts and emails included: “I wish I were a better girl.” “I’m terrible at clothes.” “I’m giving up.” “This is stupid and shallow, and I am not this girl.” “OK. I’m back now. Crazy lady has left the building.” “I take full responsibility for being irrational.” “Sometimes I just need to feel my feelings and let them go.”