Inspired by Ryan at No More Bacon, I want to share with you some things about me that you maybe don’t know. Like, for instance, sometimes I:
- Sit in my car when I get home from wherever and listen to songs that make me cry. Then I cry. Because, you know, it would be embarrassing to cry in front of my empty apartment and my two naughty cats.
- Long to be spontaneous. For me, spontaneity involves planning to be spontaneous. Just ask my sister about how much planning I did for our let’s-just-go-have-fun-without-too-many-plans trip to Arizona. (There may have been spreadsheets involved.)
- Feel lonely. Like really lonely. And I look at my life, realizing I could go without human contact for several days if I so chose — and then I realize I’m one (maybe two) steps away from being a hermit.
- Wish I didn’t follow the rules so much. I feel like I definitely missed out on some things in college because I don’t like to break the rules or take too many chances. I don’t regret my college experience, exactly. But sometimes I wish I hadn’t been so responsible. Let’s just say I didn’t have my first alcoholic beverage until it was 12:01 a.m. on my 21st birthday — and it made me uncomfortable because I was barely legal.
- Blast the music in my car and sing at the top of my lungs. And when another car pulls up next to me I dance and act and make up ridiculous moves to the music. I like to think it makes them way more uncomfortable than it makes me. And that makes me smile.
- Put on a happy face and fake my way through things. Honestly, 70 percent of the time my positivity is real. The other 30 percent of the time I’m going through the motions hoping I’ve fooled everyone. Sometimes I realize I fooled myself, too. Does that make it real?
- Doubt it when people tell me I inspire them. The comments are so humbling and kind and touching and I sometimes don’t feel like it’s real. Like maybe it’s the same as when I was in elementary school and that guy said nice things to me so he could make fun of how stupid I was for believing them.
- Eat chocolate, cook dinner or do dishes wearing nothing but my underwear. I have no further explanation for this other than: I can because I want to; I can because I live alone. One of the benefits of being single with no roommate, I suppose.
- Success stresses me out. Whether it be my health or my work, success makes me a little nervous. Because once people see my successes, what happens if I fail stumble? My very well meaning sister once told someone that “She’s really good at everything she does.” While I know she meant it in the best way possible (and I love her for it), it stung a little bit deep inside.
- Wonder what it would be like to unconditionally accept God. As much as I want to believe in God — and I really, really do — I struggle to accept God without some sort of proof. I ask questions and I tell people my doubts. And when I can’t get a solid answer, it just leads to more questions and more doubts.
- Wish I could see myself the way other people see me. As much as I’ve worked on it, my mind is not all the way caught up with my body. There are days when I look in the mirror and I don’t see my “after” picture looking back at me. And sometimes when people tell me that I’m “skinny,” it makes me feel bad about myself because I don’t see it; I don’t feel it.
- Write posts like this and want to run away and hide because they’re too revealing. But then I remember that I’m human. And it’s OK to have doubts and questions. And it’s OK to not be perfect. And it’s OK to be a work in progress. Because that’s how we grow and change and become who we’re meant to be.