Sometimes I …

Inspired by Ryan at No More Bacon, I want to share with you some things about me that you maybe don’t know. Like, for instance, sometimes I:

  • Sit in my car when I get home from wherever and listen to songs that make me cry. Then I cry. Because, you know, it would be embarrassing to cry in front of my empty apartment and my two naughty cats.
  • Long to be spontaneous. For me, spontaneity involves planning to be spontaneous. Just ask my sister about how much planning I did for our let’s-just-go-have-fun-without-too-many-plans trip to Arizona. (There may have been spreadsheets involved.)
  • Feel lonely. Like really lonely. And I look at my life, realizing I could go without human contact for several days if I so chose — and then I realize I’m one (maybe two) steps away from being a hermit.
  • Wish I didn’t follow the rules so much. I feel like I definitely missed out on some things in college because I don’t like to break the rules or take too many chances. I don’t regret my college experience, exactly. But sometimes I wish I hadn’t been so responsible. Let’s just say I didn’t have my first alcoholic beverage until it was 12:01 a.m. on my 21st birthday — and it made me uncomfortable because I was barely legal.
  • Blast the music in my car and sing at the top of my lungs. And when another car pulls up next to me I dance and act and make up ridiculous moves to the music. I like to think it makes them way more uncomfortable than it makes me. And that makes me smile.
  • Put on a happy face and fake my way through things. Honestly, 70 percent of the time my positivity is real. The other 30 percent of the time I’m going through the motions hoping I’ve fooled everyone. Sometimes I realize I fooled myself, too. Does that make it real?
  • Doubt it when people tell me I inspire them. The comments are so humbling and kind and touching and I sometimes don’t feel like it’s real. Like maybe it’s the same as when I was in elementary school and that guy said nice things to me so he could make fun of how stupid I was for believing them.
  • Eat chocolate, cook dinner or do dishes wearing nothing but my underwear. I have no further explanation for this other than: I can because I want to; I can because I live alone. One of the benefits of being single with no roommate, I suppose.
  • Success stresses me out. Whether it be my health or my work, success makes me a little nervous. Because once people see my successes, what happens if I fail stumble? My very well meaning sister once told someone that “She’s really good at everything she does.” While I know she meant it in the best way possible (and I love her for it), it stung a little bit deep inside.
  • Wonder what it would be like to unconditionally accept God. As much as I want to believe in God — and I really, really do — I struggle to accept God without some sort of proof. I ask questions and I tell people my doubts. And when I can’t get a solid answer, it just leads to more questions and more doubts.
  • Wish I could see myself the way other people see me. As much as I’ve worked on it, my mind is not all the way caught up with my body. There are days when I look in the mirror and I don’t see my “after” picture looking back at me. And sometimes when people tell me that I’m “skinny,” it makes me feel bad about myself because I don’t see it; I don’t feel it.
  • Write posts like this and want to run away and hide because they’re too revealing. But then I remember that I’m human. And it’s OK to have doubts and questions. And it’s OK to not be perfect. And it’s OK to be a work in progress. Because that’s how we grow and change and become who we’re meant to be.
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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Sometimes I …

  1. A very revealing post Joy … Thanks, and by the way I’m 10 for 12 on your list, so you’re definitely not alone here.

    Good luck in good health,
    David

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    • Britney Kreiner

      Don’t ever waver Kimi–we all know you’re amazing, even if you sometimes feel otherwise. There are a few people I know that read your blog, and though they may never type a comment or say anything to you about it, every once in a while someone will mention, “I wish I were as inspired and down to earth as Kimi,” or “If only I had Kimi’s determination and strength”. Not lying–I actually hear that from time to time, and I profess that it comes from my own mouth from my own mouth sometimes as well. So don’t doubt yourself; you have more support and love coming your way than you probably know. 🙂

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      • Hi Britney. Thanks so much for your support and very kind comments. No worries — I’m not wavering; I’m here for life (literally and figuratively). I just thought it was time to let people know that it’s OK to worry and doubt and be scared. Because this journey is hard — even for those of us who’ve had relative success with it. And admitting when things are hard can make them easier to do. You know, like staring fear in the face. Thanks again for being so supportive and for reading what I write. It means a lot.

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    • 10 for 12, huh?! Thanks much for your very much for your kind comments.

      Like

  2. I smiled when you mentioned hanging out in your underwear and rocking out in your car.
    Then I related when you talked about how success stresses you out.
    Then I was ready to pack a duffle bag, throw caution to the wind, and hop in the car for a roadie.

    Such an honest post. Thank you so much for sharing it Kimi!

    Like

    • I’m glad I could make you smile. Thanks for the prompt to write this. It helps to be honest — with myself and with readers. Cuz, honestly, this (blogging, weight loss, sharing) can be hard. And it’s OK to admit that, to embrace that — but not enough people do.

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  3. I didn’t have my first drink until I was 19 and in Canada (where it was legal) with MY PARENTS! I wish I would have broken the rules more now, too!

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  4. Pingback: I Believe … « That's All Joy Wrote

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