Sometimes I Wonder …

… what it would be like to be able to say I’m working to get back to my “high school weight.” (Or college, pre-pregnancy, pre-marriage, pre-something weight.) Cuz I’m not. I’m working to get back to my weight in, oh, fourth or fifth grade. I legitimately do not remember when I last weighed 162 pounds.

It’s strange because I have people ask me for advice, and I am as open and honest as possible with them about my journey and my experiences. I openly share my tips and tricks, my inspiration and my struggles. I mean, I told everyone I broke a toilet seat. I have nothing to hide, and I want to encourage and support as many people as I can — no matter where they are on their journey. And no matter how much weight they have to lose. Because we’re all trying to do the same things: get healthy, feel good about ourselves, change our lives. So I help where I can.

But, honestly, my “last 10 pounds” is a little different than someone trying to lose the 10 pounds they’ve put on since high school.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a judgment thing. It’s just a “different-story” kinda thing. I mean, I’ve been restricting calories and working out (hard) for a year and a half and I’ve plateaued numerous times. I’ve dropped 5 pounds in five days, and I’ve gained 4 in two days.

What’s more, I’ve had to change the whole way I think about this me that I am. When you’ve always been overweight, it’s weird to go shopping and go to the “regular” sizes section. I haven’t been able to do that since I was in pre-school. Cuz, when I was 4, I wore a 6x. (Boy, oh boy, was I embarrassed about that little “x.” I sure felt like it said something about me because none of my friends had it.) I don’t have any “back when I was thinner” photos. Or a moment in time I can point to and say “That’s when I started gaining weight.” I don’t have a closet of my “skinny” clothes I want to get back into. I have a closet of about five pieces of clothing I cycle through because I don’t have the money or time or, honestly, energy it would take to reinvent my closet every time I go down a size or two. I have always been overweight. Hell, who am I kidding? I’ve always been obese — at times, morbidly so.

And sometimes, I will openly and honestly admit it, it’s a little hard for me to explain where I’m coming from. Sometimes, I just think that people don’t “get” it. Really, that’s one of the reasons I’ve so enjoyed blogging about my experiences — this little online world is full of people (at all different places in the weight-loss/get-fit spectrum) who truly, honestly get me and my story.

But, whether we choose to admit it or we pretend it’s not true, losing 110 pounds (or more) is different than losing 10. It doesn’t make it any easier or harder one way or the other. It’s just … different.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Sometimes I Wonder …

  1. Good luck on your journey. And thanks for the open and honest blogging.
    Kathleen

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  2. kathleen

    i agree. i think losing 110 pounds is vastly different from 10. i think there’s so much more of a psychological aspect to that great a weight loss than most of us realize. because really, you’re turning into a different person. a person who shops in the regular section of department stores and who buys kale or uses running as an outlet instead of food.

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  3. Pingback: (Ir)rational Fears of an (Eventual) Mother | That's All Joy Wrote

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