Sometimes I wish I could post anonymous comments on my own blog — step back in the shadows and hide for a while.
My blog’s been public from the beginning — my entire family knows about it, all my friends, my coworkers, my trainer and all my Facebook contacts. I have no secrets on this place where I come to share some of my deepest truths and most embarrassing moments. Yeah, this means everyone in my life (or at least those who care to spend time reading my blog) knows exactly how much I weigh, exactly what I’m thinking, exactly what I’m eating and exactly how I feel. They know that my fat butt broke a toilet seat. They know that I doubt myself. They know that I’m scared.
That’s a lot of pressure for a gal. I feel like I have a lot of eyes watching me — mostly supportive, encouraging eyes. But also those eyes of people waiting for me to fail. I feel like I’m always in the spotlight, and every choice I make is scrutinized and judged. I’m sure most of it’s in my head. People, for the most part, have enough going on in their own lives to not really bother with what’s going on in anyone else’s. But, the feeling’s there. And that’s enough to put a little pressure on.
So, why did I tell everyone about this blog in the first place? There are several reasons, really.
First, I knew that losing more than 100 pounds and really changing my life (rather than simply losing the weight) would involve a whole life makeover. And it would mean I’d be making different choices, some of which would influence and affect others in my life. And I knew that I’d change in more ways than just a shrinking waist. So I wanted them to know why I was doing it and how it was changing me.
Second, I knew I’d need the support. There are hard days when you’re making these kinds of changes. Heck, there are hard weeks and hard months. And if my friends and family could know what I was feeling, they might have an easier time understanding what I was going through, allowing them to more easily support me and my choices. Honesty’s the best policy, right?
Third, I really thought that it’d be easier than trying to conceal who I am. I like sharing pictures of myself. I like talking openly and honestly about most things in my life. (I still blur out people’s faces and hide their names unless I have their explicit permission to share their images or stories.) But I didn’t want to have to worry about hiding specific parts of who I am or what I’m doing because I was afraid of who’d stumble across the blog.
Finally, I’ve had a lot of triumphs — physical, emotional and mental — on this journey. I’ve learned so much, grown so much. Sure, I’ve hurt. And I’ve stumbled. And I’ve cried. But the joys are what make the trials worth it. And if we can’t share our joys and celebrate with those who love us, what’s the point?
So, yeah, sometimes I most certainly wish I could hide behind the curtain of anonymity of the Internet. But more often than not, I’m glad that I chose to share this journey with the people in my life. Even if that means they know all about my weight and my annoying period and my saggy boobs and my jiggly skin.