Conflict of Self

I’m having one of those days. You know, the kind of day where it’s easier to focus on how far you have to go rather than on how far you’ve come.

I’ve lost 90-plus pounds. I now have 28 or 29 pounds to go until my goal weight. Of those two numbers, it’d seem like the 90 pounds would be such a big accomplishment and good place to focus. If I can lose 90 pounds, surely I can lose 28 or 29 pounds more. Instead, I look at those still-to-lose numbers and think “Man, I still have so far to go.”

I’m clearly losing weight — I see the numbers on the scale go down with my own eyes. My clothes are now 8s, 10s and 12s — not 22s and 24s like when I started this journey. I put photos side by side and see the huge differences. I’ve seen my measurements go down courtesy Trainer 2.0. Heck, I even see shadows of bones peeking out in my collarbones and hips.

So why can’t I “see” it? Why do I still look in the mirror sometimes and see the 271-pound version of myself? Why do I focus on my stomach’s overhang instead of my peeking hipbones — or even on the shrinkingness of that overhang?

I know that with a significant amount of weight loss comes a significant psychological change and a shift in not only actions, but in perceptions (on my own part and on others’ parts). While I’m in the process of losing weight, I’m also in the process of learning about my body, my feelings, my relationships, my life — and how they’re all changing with this loss. Some might think that weight loss is just about watching the scale change. But it’s, oh, so much more than that. And I think I’m just really starting to appreciate that. I know I have a ways to go and a lot of changes to make (and accept) as my body changes. And I’m working on it.

Afterall, this is a life-long journey and not just a fix-it-quick, lose-weight-and-move-on phase. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.

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