Looking Back

Once in a while, I like to go back and look over some of my old posts, explore my own archives. It reminds me truly of how far I’ve come. In the beginning I was nervous, but motivated, about everything this journey would entail: eating healthfully, working out, committing for the long-haul and putting myself first. And I wasn’t sure what would happen. Would I give up? Would I get stuck? Would I succeed? Who would I be when I came out the other side? I’m still not 100 percent sure yet, and I’m not there yet. But, I’m a lot closer than I was. After all, this weight loss, this journey, is a lifetime commitment not just for my health and my outside appearance but also for the person I truly want to become.

This one particular post I was rereading really showed me a lot that was going through my head and what I was thinking when I started this trip. A couple of quotes had a definite effect on me: “A lifelong struggle with weight is something that one kind of gets used to.” “I settled for always being the ‘big girl’ … the one who was always there but was never a participant.” “I realize that I’m the only person who ever was in my way.”

Now, I know I’m so much more than I ever thought I was — and I know I deserve better than a life on the sidelines. I was talking to a good friend last night and was sharing with her how weird it was for me to look back at old pictures of myself. I guess I never really saw how big I was. I felt confident and sure of myself. But now that I look back, I feel like I’m looking at a stranger. Right now, “this” me feels real. This woman who is working hard toward being an all-around healthier, happier person is the person I want to be — that person I think I’ve always known I could be. This me is the me I want to share with the world — the one who is comfortable not only in her clothes, but in her skin (wiggly, jiggly as it may be). I’m finally starting to feel like the person (the complete, real person) who was barely making herself known in the past.

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